I miss..a feeling. Do I dare to venture out of my finally ordinary life again for the mystical unknown? I miss writing, inspiration, feeling dense enough to drown or float in, but if it was my price to pay to finally not feel misery my every living moment, then I don't know, maybe I'll live with it because then it must be the only way I can live. But honestly, sometimes, a break from all life's pains feel like a break from life itself. I feel like the plot of Equilibrium, relinquishing the entire spectrum of feelings in order to desist the negative ones. It must of the resourcefulness of the human subconscious, or just survival instincts, I live in my dreams. My dreams are filled with adventure that surpasses any of the real kind. I travel to the outer space to save humanity, turn into an alien and fight other species, cast magical spells, feel the bloodlust of being a vampire, travel to the oceans and deserts...maybe this is why my favorite thing to do now is to sleep.
In the dream I had last night, I felt the magic of the beginning of first love, all its ecstactic discovery and almost fulfilled tireless yearning, then something happens, I do something that makes him hate me and he banishes me-the ultimate punishment I now realize, the punishment of God to the devil-distance so great that the devil will never feel any warmths of God's single ray.
Then the scene changes, lifetimes and entire histories away. I the banished queen, returns to my hostile kingdom o mourn the death of him, my King. It turns out to be a trap by my enemies, to punish my offense against the king. I fight, singlehandedly, the center of countless radii of swords. Until the King himself charged towards me, I stopped then, defeated, immobolized with desperate love. Moments from my death, the real King came out and saved me from the impostor. Together again, I was finally forgiven, lifetimes and entire histories later.When he was finally back in my arms, a voice whispered to me that my King was another impostor, sent to send me to my most shameful defeat, killed by someone I loved. Without hesistating, I plunged the sword down on him-death. Only then did the taunting voice of my enemy inform me, that my King was true and faithful after all, and that my doubt in him and myself had killed him and sentenced me to death. A love as great as its tragedy, neither overshadowing the other.
I woke up, with a pain in my heart, and nostalgia, yearning for the man I've never known but for the few fleeting moments of my dream.